An Evil Mr. Silliman takes on Funny
This actually ran as an editor's note in today's paper as an explanation for my move to pull the weekly satire page. There are lots of good reasons for what I did, but this is the only one anyone cared for.

Rumors and random signs around campus have claimed the editorial board of the Collegian has killed the infamous satire page, known either as the Half-Page or the Back-Page, but this is incorrect.

Final decision have not been made, but, for now, the page will appear on special occasions, notably the last issue of each semester.

This decision was made for a number of reasons, official and unofficial. Unofficial reasons include the page’s long tradition of not being funny, poor taste, cluttered look and negative influence on the work of Collegian reporters.    

The official reason is the evil, black-hearted and unfunny news editor Daniel Silliman, immediate supervisor of the page.

Although he is rarely seen, sources claim Silliman wears all black and a large sweeping cape. He lives in a cave and never sleeps.

He smokes two cigars at a time, gives cigarettes to children by the pack and hates absolutely everyone.
Fellow staff members describe his laugh as “evil, very evil.” The strange sounds probably shouldn’t be called a laugh. Silliman’s enemies use the word “evil” to describe him, seriously underestimating how bad he really is, knowledgeable sources allege.

“The Grinch was a pansy,” Silliman said of his recent move. “What? He stole Christmas? Hah! I’m killing love, joy, smiles and laughter.”

Silliman, a veteran journalist and Collegian staff member, plans on staying the long term to destroy all that is good and true.

“Funniness was just the beginning,” he said.