Jul 22, 2006

But this was dusk
(Note: this is post #1800)

I was waiting for you, but I had forgotten what you looked like. Not forgotten but didn't know because it'd been so long. I saw someone who might have been you but then I knew I couldn't know because it'd been so long. I needed to know so I could see you way down the street, so I wouldn't have to wait any longer than I could see. So I sat and stood and walked in circles and leaned against a wall and tried to concentrate.

It seemed like if I could concentrate then I'd know one thing, one thing to pick you out half way down the street. It seemed like I should be able to know one thing that would have to be true, that I'd have to be able to see from here. I remembered one day airplanes and the doors of the airport stepping themselves open to take you away. I remembered a river and a sky and I remembered seeing a car accident on fire and a camel crossing New Mexico. But nothing about you, nothing that was better than the accidental.

It was a cloudy day and the darkness didn't fall or settle or come down but seemed to seep out of everywhere, taking the light and thinning it and separating it from itself. It got harder to see and I squatted and waited. You said 6:15, which meant dusk in this north and I didn't have the time, here on the sidewalk, but this was dusk.

I remembered one day watching a dog waiting for a ball to be thrown and I remembered realizing that you weren't on the seat next to me. I remembered a corn field and a ditch and I remembered wet flowers on a tree and a bison with an Elvis hair cut.

If I had had a trumpet or a saxophone and could have played I would have played and people would have put money in my bag and I would have bought you coffee, when you came. If I had had a book I could have sat there and read my book there and I could have told you something interesting, when you came. If I had had a message and could have preached I would have preached there to passing people and then when you came I could've preached it for you.

But I just stood and sat down and walked around and leaned against a wall and I put a hand in my pocket and nothing was there, but I waited.